Why Lions Make Terrible Roommates

It is a well-known fact that, at one point or another, we all have to have a roommate. Whether for financial reasons, or to fight the crippling loneliness that we can never truly escape from (darkest moment in blogging history? Not anymore. KITTENS!) we all must at one time live in close proximity with another being.

Some things make good roommates. Things like rational human beings, preferably with a steady paycheck and no odd smells. Some things make bad roommates, like frat boys.

But goddammit, I'd live in a frat house as a pledge before I live with a goddamn lion.

Lions make the worst freaking roommates ever. Firstly, they're complete asswipes about paying the bills. They'll say shit like, "I'm a lion, I can't get a job". Well, Mr. Lion, apparently you can fucking talk. I'm sure there are plenty of ways for you to get a freaking job with that skill. If worse comes to worse, sell your body to science (I'm not sure how that works. I don't know where science lives, but I assume, much like weather, it is in the depths of space-time).

Secondly, they're lazy. Sitting on rocks and crap all day. At least lionesses will bring home a gazel every so often (and I can make a rocking gazel stew), but lions are jerk holes. So it can't get a job but can somehow get a 12 tonne boulder up 7 flights of stairs just so it can lie in front of the sun? Bullshit!

Thirdly, lions have big ol' egos. Whoever started calling them the "Kings of the Jungle" has some real problems to make up for. Lions took that shit to heart. They're bossy and uncooperative. All they do is sleep and groom, and they expect you to listen to their bullshit and do what they want. "Can you go grab some Coke Zero? And a zebra haunch while you're at it?" Fuck your zebra haunch, Lion. It's 3 in the morning. The Zebra Haunch Store doesn't open till 8:00. And I'm not your fucking errand boy.

Fourthly, their personal hygiene habits leave a lot to be desired. They never shower, they never get their manes cut, they never pick up after themselves and they shit everywhere. Sure, they grew up on the Savannah, but that is no excuse for not washing your hair every once in a while.

And they steal your shit! I mean, they say they'll return your DVDs, but they won't. And even if they do, they're gouged to shit from their fucking claws. They'll take your rad-ass hoodie that you are totally stoked about wearing on Saturday because that hot Cindy chick from your biology lectures "totally digs stripes", and it'll never come back.

And fuck it if they don't destroy the apartment on a regular fucking basis. It can't be that hard not to dull your claws on the walls. And I know he totally said the clogged sink was from noodles and shit while washing dishes, but I know he's been shoving bones down that shit.

Goddammit if I don't hate freaking lions for all their bullcrap. I mean, the only worse roommates are bears, sharks and the Great Old Ones (don't get me started on that one, I mean, who the fuck makes plants glow? That shit is just annoying.)

Also, they eat your friends.