Why Everything Everywhere Is Effing Metal

It is a well known fact that metal music and the culture it inspires are freaking intense things. Metalheads are well known as scary-as-balls people you don't fuck with, or they will fucking eat your face and drink from your skull, all while leaving you alive to writhe in pain.

What is a lesser known fact is that everything is fucking metal in some way or another. Really. It's true.

Here is a brief list of some things that are surprisingly fucking metal. Trust me, you'll come to see my point soon.

1) Clouds: Wait? What? You're starting a list on metal fucking things with clouds?

Hell yes I am! Clouds are veritable REALMS of metal. You know what comes from clouds? Rain. You know what happens during rain storms? Thunder and lightning. You can thank clouds for goddamn thunder and lightning. That shit'll fuck you up. The Metal Gods themselves power their amps with lightning, and thunder is the echoes of their eternal awesome.

Also, clouds take on metal fucking shapes. Like dragons. And firebreathing dogs. And clouds going "Why I oughta" while shaking an oversized fist at some fucking pussy cloud that wronged them.

Clouds will fuck your shit UP!

2) Trees: BAM! Another curveball, bitches!

Trees are metal for several reasons. Firstly, they grow their own fucking armor. Secondly, most cultures use wood for training weapons, which you must use to learn to wield swords and battle axes. Thirdly, they have like a thousand arms and fingers, all ready to claw the shit out of you.

You know what roosts in trees? Birds. Birds like ravens and eagles and shit. Those are some metal-ass birds. They'll lay waste to you!

3) Babies: Babies. Soft. Sweet. Innocent. AND FUCKING METAL?

Have you ever heard a baby wail? That's it preparing a metal scream. One day, those wails will turn into death cries to the Metal Gods.

Besides, all people are babies at some point. Including metalheads. Which means all metalheads were once babies.

Yeah, babies are effing metal.

4) Moms: They bake us cookies, give us love, and COULD RIP THE HEAD OFF A RAGING BEAR!

We all know of mom rages. There is a cold steel beneath their cushy outer layer. When that steel is bared, nothing can stop them. When that steel is revealed, the can eviscerate her enemies with a glare and command wolf packs.

Yes, all moms are metal. That includes your grandmother, and that senile woman down the street who can't remember her own name sometimes. They secretly rock out to Eluveitie and Behemoth in private.

5) Lady GaGa: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfukZyVi9Hk <---enough said

6) Ducks: Ducks fly. They swim. They DEVOUR SOULS! Ducks are fucking metal. Try and attack one with your bare hands. That's right, you can't. A duck will bite your finger off and then laugh at your pain.

Fucking ducks, being so fucking creepy. Oh, they seem cute and innocent, but their eyes are the eyes of murderous doom-engines, slowly devouring souls to power their infernal hearts, which are kept beating with clockwork and pain.

7) Angels: Well, this is less of a stretch. Frankly, angels feature in an assload of metal imagery. However, I mean cute little cherubs.

Those assholes, looking like Cupid and shit. But did you know that Cherubs were originally God's warriors? That they guard the gates of Eden with flaming swords? That they have four faces: of ox, of lion, of eagle and of man? They have four wings. Their name loosely translates to great or mighty.

That's right. Even cute ass little cherubim are metal. They could destroy you and you better god-well know it.

Freaking angels, ready to kill us all in the end times and shit...just waiting, biding their time...

So yeah, everything everywhere can be found to be freaking metal if you look hard enough. But I wouldn't, or your skeleton may be pulled from your chest and used as a marimba beneath a raging guitar solo.

Animals That Would Totally Be Awesome Ninjas

Nature is really an amazing thing. From the plainest single-celled organism to the weirdest deep-sea creature, evolution has given us some amazing things.

Equally as impressive are some of the things humans have created. The wheel. The airplane. Snuggies. We are unbelievably creative creatures, creating unbelievably diverse and creative cultures.

It is undeniable that the most kick-ass of these cultures are the all-powerful ninja. Their stealth, their accuracy, their pure, uncontained deadliness. Nothing about the ninja isn't kick-ass. Even their shoes betray awesomeness unrivaled.



I mean really, how are those not some awesome shoes? How badass is a culture when even their shoes could kill me?

The amazing thing about nature is that a wild amount of creatures would make awesome ninja. In fact, I assume most of them ARE ninja. It is, really, the only explanation for how awesome they are. I will now offer up but a brief sampling of what I mean, but there are, of course, many, many more.

1) The Squirrel: These common creatures seem really pathetic at first. But look at them like this: they climb vertical surfaces commonly (and not just trees, but walls and stuff too), they betray unbelievable speed and balance, they have sharp claws and teeth (built in weapons) and wear earth-tones. Remind you of anything?

I've been saying for years that squirrels could kill everyone if they wanted to. They wouldn't even have to try, really. Besides, who would suspect the squirrels? My idea. Keep an eye on them and never sleep.

The squirrels are coming.

2) The Cat: Much like squirrels, they have immense balance and above-average climbing abilities. They are also great jumpers in the height, distance and accuracy departments. They have hidden weapons (claws) and can move completely silently. They have great night vision and are practiced in killing things.

Cats are truly ninja at heart. It's good for me that they are also smart enough to realize that it is easier for us to feed them than for them to find food. This means we have less to fear from cats than squirrels.

Still, keep an eye open. Not that it will help.

3) The Gecko: Now, geckos are hardly as deadly as the last two examples. But they are still totally ninja. I mean, these things can just sit on the ceiling. Staring. Watching. Always watching. Unblinking.

4) The Chameleon: This one is pretty self-explanatory. A creature that can change its colour to become practically invisible? A creature than can look two directions at once? A creature with a lightning-fast weapon (its tongue)? Puh-lease. This creature is totally designed to be an uber-deadly assassin.

I mean, can you imagine if a person could just disappear, and then shoot you with a weapon so fast you couldn't see? Oh wait. We have those. They are called ninja!

5) The Bear: Bear with me now (bahahahahaha). These ones may not seem very ninja-esque at first. But they have two very, very ninja traits. Numero Uno: Their massive strength. Bears can easily tear a man in half. By looking at them. From a distance. I'm pretty sure bears are telekinetic, right? By God, can you imagine that? If bears gained that ability, they could murder everything ever! Number Two: Their ability to kill anything they look at.

6) The Platypus: Once again, platypus with me (that doesn't work as well). At first platypi seem like ugly, ungainly waddlers. But then you realize something. These sons-of-bitches have motherfucking POISON SPURS! WTF, god? Did you decide that EVERYTHING in Austrailia has to be able to kill everything from everywhere else? You couldn't put a single totally pussy animal on that continent? No insects that don't have stingers that inject you with a neuro-toxin? No birds that can't shoot seeds from their mouths like bullets? Really? Even the platypus needs to have poison.

Uncool, God, uncool.

This is just a brief selection of the creatures evolution has given us that could murder us all with their ninja skills. How many of them are actually ninja? At the very least the cats, but I'm guessing bears too, and maybe chameleons.

Basically, everything everywhere could kill us. That is the take away lesson here.

Beware everything.

Ads and What-not

So, apparently I managed to get accepted for AdSense. I did it mildly with no specific interest in actually becoming a member of some payroll. But, hey, now my blog has ads and I'm getting paid.

Look over to the right, you'll see an ad. Look down, you'll see an ad. So yeah, there are some ads. But I'm gonna try and control these ads and make sure they aren't messed up. Knowing my posts, though, they will definitely be weird.

So, yeah. Awesome. Thanks!