Animals That Would Totally Be Awesome Ninjas

Nature is really an amazing thing. From the plainest single-celled organism to the weirdest deep-sea creature, evolution has given us some amazing things.

Equally as impressive are some of the things humans have created. The wheel. The airplane. Snuggies. We are unbelievably creative creatures, creating unbelievably diverse and creative cultures.

It is undeniable that the most kick-ass of these cultures are the all-powerful ninja. Their stealth, their accuracy, their pure, uncontained deadliness. Nothing about the ninja isn't kick-ass. Even their shoes betray awesomeness unrivaled.



I mean really, how are those not some awesome shoes? How badass is a culture when even their shoes could kill me?

The amazing thing about nature is that a wild amount of creatures would make awesome ninja. In fact, I assume most of them ARE ninja. It is, really, the only explanation for how awesome they are. I will now offer up but a brief sampling of what I mean, but there are, of course, many, many more.

1) The Squirrel: These common creatures seem really pathetic at first. But look at them like this: they climb vertical surfaces commonly (and not just trees, but walls and stuff too), they betray unbelievable speed and balance, they have sharp claws and teeth (built in weapons) and wear earth-tones. Remind you of anything?

I've been saying for years that squirrels could kill everyone if they wanted to. They wouldn't even have to try, really. Besides, who would suspect the squirrels? My idea. Keep an eye on them and never sleep.

The squirrels are coming.

2) The Cat: Much like squirrels, they have immense balance and above-average climbing abilities. They are also great jumpers in the height, distance and accuracy departments. They have hidden weapons (claws) and can move completely silently. They have great night vision and are practiced in killing things.

Cats are truly ninja at heart. It's good for me that they are also smart enough to realize that it is easier for us to feed them than for them to find food. This means we have less to fear from cats than squirrels.

Still, keep an eye open. Not that it will help.

3) The Gecko: Now, geckos are hardly as deadly as the last two examples. But they are still totally ninja. I mean, these things can just sit on the ceiling. Staring. Watching. Always watching. Unblinking.

4) The Chameleon: This one is pretty self-explanatory. A creature that can change its colour to become practically invisible? A creature than can look two directions at once? A creature with a lightning-fast weapon (its tongue)? Puh-lease. This creature is totally designed to be an uber-deadly assassin.

I mean, can you imagine if a person could just disappear, and then shoot you with a weapon so fast you couldn't see? Oh wait. We have those. They are called ninja!

5) The Bear: Bear with me now (bahahahahaha). These ones may not seem very ninja-esque at first. But they have two very, very ninja traits. Numero Uno: Their massive strength. Bears can easily tear a man in half. By looking at them. From a distance. I'm pretty sure bears are telekinetic, right? By God, can you imagine that? If bears gained that ability, they could murder everything ever! Number Two: Their ability to kill anything they look at.

6) The Platypus: Once again, platypus with me (that doesn't work as well). At first platypi seem like ugly, ungainly waddlers. But then you realize something. These sons-of-bitches have motherfucking POISON SPURS! WTF, god? Did you decide that EVERYTHING in Austrailia has to be able to kill everything from everywhere else? You couldn't put a single totally pussy animal on that continent? No insects that don't have stingers that inject you with a neuro-toxin? No birds that can't shoot seeds from their mouths like bullets? Really? Even the platypus needs to have poison.

Uncool, God, uncool.

This is just a brief selection of the creatures evolution has given us that could murder us all with their ninja skills. How many of them are actually ninja? At the very least the cats, but I'm guessing bears too, and maybe chameleons.

Basically, everything everywhere could kill us. That is the take away lesson here.

Beware everything.

On Weather

It is a well-known fact that weather is a bit of a bitch. Sometimes, you and weather can be completely cool, chillaxin' with a nice sun out. Sometimes she can be freaking awesome, with lightning and thunder and VOLCANOS (yeah, volcanos aren't technically weather, but look at any picture of an erupting volcano with lightning springing through the ashes and you'll catch my drift).

But most of the time, weather and you have an at-best curt, at-worst hostile, relationship.

Today is a good example. It is the last week of April. That is, it is almost May. May is the beginning of summer-like weather, this is a well-known fact.

THEN WHY IN ASS IS IT SNOWING OUT?

Fuck you, weather, I had just gotten used to there not being any snow. MY JOB IS OUTSIDE! I hate, you weather. You and your fucking crystallized rain and coldness.

With this in mind, I think we (by which I mean everyone on the internet as a whole, with a special focus on the blogosphere) should get our revenge on weather.

"But Christian," you exclaim, "weather can't be revenged upon. It is a force of nature."

You narrow-minded fools (love you :)) it is a well known fact that every force of nature has an embodiment, an avatar, if you will. These long-lived (albiet mortal) beings live in the depths of space and time accessible only by those of great power.

I believe my hatred for weather will be sufficient to drive me to the edge of time and space itself. That is how much I hate weather. By harnessing my hatred, we can build a grand ship, an infinite engine, capable of transporting our weather-hating army to the doorstep of that vile wench.

Together, with weapons fueled by malice and cunning, we will shatter her golden door and enter her sun-filled bowery. Her guardians, Misters Rain and Shine, will fall to our power and will inevitably beg for a mercy we shall not grant. They will fall to our weapons of death, and their souls shall be ripped out to fuel our hate-engines.

We shall stand before weather and she will beg for us to spare her. We shall take her and keep her chained forever in the deepest pit of our ship, her Infinite Bonds unbreaking. Then we will sit upon her throne and we, the internet, will reign supreme over weather. Climates will bend to our will.

But that will not be enough. Weather has wronged the world for too long and too greatly.

while one of us rules the throne of weather in it's golden hall, the rest of us shall build more ships. We shall make armies of clouds and pain, who will wield lightning in one hand and ice shards in the other. And we shall bear down, through all of space and time, to destroy all the other avatars and take our rightful place as masters of the universe.

Earth.

Fire.

Water.

Air.

We shall rule these elements, and others besides.

Death.

Life.

Love.

Fear.

These will bend to our will.

And when the universe is ours, we shall rest upon our thrones and plot. Two frontiers have yet to fall to us, we shall realize. We control nature, the world of the living. But heaven and hell are not yet ours. And we shall build a great drill, powered by the anguish of those avatars we have dethroned. And it shall turn with a sound of wailing infants and weeping mothers. And it shall bore a hole in the universe, straight to the pits of hell. And we shall march with our armies into the maw of pain and shall cast down the demons. And we shall seat ourselves upon the thrones of the Seven Lords of the Pit. With nature and hell at our beck and call, we shall turn our gaze upwards. Heaven will glare at us in fury, and we shall begin a new battle.

For twelve eons we shall battle, and our new forms will become host to new powers. I shall turn by hundred-fold gaze upon man and gauge their worth. We will determine them unworthy, and the twisting of nature shall begin. Man shall be wrought in a new image, an image of terror and domination, and will swarm upwards to the gates of heaven, where the heavenly host shall stand guard. For one thousand years we will fight before the Gates, and then we shall enter heaven and God will stare upon us with pity, and all of everything will be erased in an instant, for our hubris had led to the Apocalypse, and all of nature will suffer in torment for our false grandeur.

All because it snowed in fucking April. So, weather, bring your worst. Because in so doing you are calling down Ragnarok, and we shall rise.