Let's face it, we all wish we lived in other time periods. Whether we dream of being a WWII fighter pilot, a Crusades-era knight, a robot from the future or even a caveman scribbling stick figures on the wall, we all feel like we belonged in some other time.
Well, this is natural, you stinkers. Everyone idealizes the shit that they wish for. The only difference between you and me is that I have this blog post to explain why I totally freaking belong in other time periods and why these time periods are so freaking awesome and shit. I'll try not to go off on a tangent about gargoyles or unicorns, but I ain't promising you nuffin'.
1) The Wild West
Ah, what young whippersnapper doesn't dream at some point of being a cowboy? The freedom, the guns, the lack of personal hygiene. Everything a young boy could possibly want.
I love westerns, and recently my love has been rekindled for the umpteenth time due to my wish to play a game called Red Dead Redemption, a pseudo-Grand Theft Auto, sandbox western game. I totally think that I would make an awesome bounty hunter. I mean, I don't think killing people is right or anything, but shooting a criminal in the kneecap with a six-shooter? How much more badass can you get? (The answer is none.)
I mean, I have all the prerequisites: an abiding moral code yet a disdain for authority, a love of handguns, a general useage of denim pants, an abiding wish for cowboy boots and duster jackets and a love for all the various cowboy hat styles. I love horses, and would look totally badass with a few facial scars. And I do a mean Clint Eastwood impression.
Downsides: coffee = expensive, lack of practice riding and general unease with the level of craftsmanship of their guns. I dunno why it is, but muskets make me uneasy.
2) Feudal Japan
Now, I understand you have to be born into the Samurai class (damn rules), but I could still totally be a ninja in this point in history. How awesome would that be? Stealthily freeing the commoners from their oppressors, wearing black all the time and throw...ing...sharp......objects....
This all sounds very familiar.
Oh yeah, BATMAN is a ninja! I don't want to live in feudal Japan, I just want to be the goddamn Batman. Doy.
3) The Renaissance
Okay, hear me out. I know that, while there were some cool wars in this point, the renaissance generally isn't known for it's badassery. But listen to the four following words.
Leonardo.
Motherfucking.
Da.
Vinci.
I totally just want to meet this badass. This dude invented helicopters 300 years before anyone else got the idea! He doodled designs for WMDs next to designs for rudimentary lawnmowers! This guy is an actual fucking MacGyver, Q and Batman all rolled into one.
I totally think he was a secret agent. No doubt in my mind. He probably had a grappling gun and a beard that fired lasers, like Chuck Norris blended together with Rorshach. He kicked ass and took names, and then fucked everyone he could see. Men. Women. Didn't matter.
Da Vinci was a sex machine.
4) Hitler's Childhood
Let's face it, who wouldn't want to smack Hitler before he had the SS to protect him?
5) The Future
Okay, so this is a little wishy-washy. Technically I'll be in the future right about Now. and Now. and Now.
But I don't mean the future, I mean the Future, with that capital "F". I want to live in a time of laser swords and hovercars and robots.
I don't even car if that Future is apocalyptic, post-apocalyptic or utopian. I just wanna be there. I mean, how much is it to ask for 1 laser battle, ONE!
Honestly, the list goes on. I'd like to be a member of the French Resistance, to have been there during the moon landing and to be an original Assassin.
Luckily, my time machine will soon be complete, but that is a story for a different day.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
On A Memory I'm Not 100% Sure Is Real
We all have memories...
Well, shit. That's a shitty way to start a blog post off. It sounds really, really dumb. Of course we all have memories. Shit...
What was I saying?
Oh yeah...
So, we all have memories, obviously. This "we" does indeed include "me". However, because of what I like calling my "creative impulses", my memories lack a lot of reliability, and the older the memory the less likely it is to be real. That's right. I remember things that may not have ever happened AS IF THEY DID! That's like a superpower. I even feel emotions and shit regarding events that MAY NOT ACTUALLY BE REAL! And I truly believe that they happened, even though I am incredulous about some. I mean, I know they happened, in my soul and in the way they have shaped the person I am, but I don't know if they are real.
That makes no fucking sense...I guess a better way to put it would be to say that I am like a character in my own narrative. I believe that the events of said narrative are real, regardless of whether or not they are fiction. However, I am aware of the fourth wall and, because of this, can question the veracity of my own life.
Wow, that was almost clever. UNICORN DANCE CELEBRATION! *proceeds to perform said event*
Anywho, I would like to tell the story of one of these memories. I truly believe this happened. However, it seems...unbelievable. Like it can't really have happened. But I know it did.
When I was, oh, seven or eight, I suppose, I was over at a friend's house and we were all like "YEAH, LET'S GO RUN AROUND THE HOUSE AND BREAK SHIT AND STUFF". I'm not sure if this is what we actually did, but I do have a distinct impression that we 1) built a fort out of couch cushions, 2) had nerf guns, and 3) were chased for a brief period by a sibling.
Anyways, we were inside because it was raining out, otherwise we would have far earlier been shuffled into the yard to wrestle the dog and scare the neighbours with our dangerous antics (sometimes they involved BLADES! We were awesome like that).
This mild rain rapidly grew to a downpour, and then a storm, and then (dare I say it) a THUNDERSTORM! Mighty Zeus and Divine Thor had blessed us with their presence. And we were all like "THUNDER? LIGHTNING? AWESOME!" (Because children can only yell).
However, we were less enthused about the ensuing loss of power. His house was big and when the power went out, it got DARK.
So his mum and dad decide to let us help them put up candles around the house while we wait for the power to come back. We rapidly ran around, setting up candles. His dad would then proceed to enter the rooms, rearrange our candles in a less haphazard fashion and would then light them.
I can't remember if it was DURING our candle lighting or after, but at some point, I entered a room that had already gone through the whole process. It happened to be his brother's room, where they kept the hamster. The hamster's cage was on the floor near the bookshelf, and a candle burned on said shelf. I like to think that I opened the door and the ensuing gust knocked that candle from it's perch, but more likely I SLAMMED the door open and it hit the shelf, toppling the candle down.
I saw what was going to happen, but couldn't look away. The candle fell, it's exposed flame leaping viciously into the air. There was the hamster's cage, filled with woodchips. Beautiful, dry, FLAMMABLE woodchips. And there was the hamster, asleep, not understanding it's doom.
The woodchips caught on fire, obviously.
Now, what I should have done was just open the cage and grab the hamster before those first few embers became an inferno. What I did instead was run downstairs, screaming, and blubber about burning hamsters to my friend's mother. In a moment, we were upstairs (although, in hindsight, it was probably more like three or four minutes, because it took me so long to explain).
What we found has shocked and horrified me to this day. The poor little hamster, never having seen fire, had walked INTO the small blaze. His fur had ignited like a little ball of try twigs. I have no idea how long it took that hamster to die, but what we found was a still burning lump of flesh.
I had accidentally incinerated my friend's brother's hamster. More than that, I had CREMATED it's corpse. The way I remember it, it looked like a miniature version of the skeletons of Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru in Star Wars: twisted in agony, it had known it's fate.
To this day, I bear the lessons learned from the death of that little fuzzball. The first, practice fire safety. The second, never trust a candle. The third, keep an eye on your back, because, however unlikely it may sound, hamsters have big families, and you never know when revenge might be on your trail.
Well, shit. That's a shitty way to start a blog post off. It sounds really, really dumb. Of course we all have memories. Shit...
What was I saying?
Oh yeah...
So, we all have memories, obviously. This "we" does indeed include "me". However, because of what I like calling my "creative impulses", my memories lack a lot of reliability, and the older the memory the less likely it is to be real. That's right. I remember things that may not have ever happened AS IF THEY DID! That's like a superpower. I even feel emotions and shit regarding events that MAY NOT ACTUALLY BE REAL! And I truly believe that they happened, even though I am incredulous about some. I mean, I know they happened, in my soul and in the way they have shaped the person I am, but I don't know if they are real.
That makes no fucking sense...I guess a better way to put it would be to say that I am like a character in my own narrative. I believe that the events of said narrative are real, regardless of whether or not they are fiction. However, I am aware of the fourth wall and, because of this, can question the veracity of my own life.
Wow, that was almost clever. UNICORN DANCE CELEBRATION! *proceeds to perform said event*
Anywho, I would like to tell the story of one of these memories. I truly believe this happened. However, it seems...unbelievable. Like it can't really have happened. But I know it did.
When I was, oh, seven or eight, I suppose, I was over at a friend's house and we were all like "YEAH, LET'S GO RUN AROUND THE HOUSE AND BREAK SHIT AND STUFF". I'm not sure if this is what we actually did, but I do have a distinct impression that we 1) built a fort out of couch cushions, 2) had nerf guns, and 3) were chased for a brief period by a sibling.
Anyways, we were inside because it was raining out, otherwise we would have far earlier been shuffled into the yard to wrestle the dog and scare the neighbours with our dangerous antics (sometimes they involved BLADES! We were awesome like that).
This mild rain rapidly grew to a downpour, and then a storm, and then (dare I say it) a THUNDERSTORM! Mighty Zeus and Divine Thor had blessed us with their presence. And we were all like "THUNDER? LIGHTNING? AWESOME!" (Because children can only yell).
However, we were less enthused about the ensuing loss of power. His house was big and when the power went out, it got DARK.
So his mum and dad decide to let us help them put up candles around the house while we wait for the power to come back. We rapidly ran around, setting up candles. His dad would then proceed to enter the rooms, rearrange our candles in a less haphazard fashion and would then light them.
I can't remember if it was DURING our candle lighting or after, but at some point, I entered a room that had already gone through the whole process. It happened to be his brother's room, where they kept the hamster. The hamster's cage was on the floor near the bookshelf, and a candle burned on said shelf. I like to think that I opened the door and the ensuing gust knocked that candle from it's perch, but more likely I SLAMMED the door open and it hit the shelf, toppling the candle down.
I saw what was going to happen, but couldn't look away. The candle fell, it's exposed flame leaping viciously into the air. There was the hamster's cage, filled with woodchips. Beautiful, dry, FLAMMABLE woodchips. And there was the hamster, asleep, not understanding it's doom.
The woodchips caught on fire, obviously.
Now, what I should have done was just open the cage and grab the hamster before those first few embers became an inferno. What I did instead was run downstairs, screaming, and blubber about burning hamsters to my friend's mother. In a moment, we were upstairs (although, in hindsight, it was probably more like three or four minutes, because it took me so long to explain).
What we found has shocked and horrified me to this day. The poor little hamster, never having seen fire, had walked INTO the small blaze. His fur had ignited like a little ball of try twigs. I have no idea how long it took that hamster to die, but what we found was a still burning lump of flesh.
I had accidentally incinerated my friend's brother's hamster. More than that, I had CREMATED it's corpse. The way I remember it, it looked like a miniature version of the skeletons of Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru in Star Wars: twisted in agony, it had known it's fate.
To this day, I bear the lessons learned from the death of that little fuzzball. The first, practice fire safety. The second, never trust a candle. The third, keep an eye on your back, because, however unlikely it may sound, hamsters have big families, and you never know when revenge might be on your trail.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Why Everything Everywhere Is Effing Metal
It is a well known fact that metal music and the culture it inspires are freaking intense things. Metalheads are well known as scary-as-balls people you don't fuck with, or they will fucking eat your face and drink from your skull, all while leaving you alive to writhe in pain.
What is a lesser known fact is that everything is fucking metal in some way or another. Really. It's true.
Here is a brief list of some things that are surprisingly fucking metal. Trust me, you'll come to see my point soon.
1) Clouds: Wait? What? You're starting a list on metal fucking things with clouds?
Hell yes I am! Clouds are veritable REALMS of metal. You know what comes from clouds? Rain. You know what happens during rain storms? Thunder and lightning. You can thank clouds for goddamn thunder and lightning. That shit'll fuck you up. The Metal Gods themselves power their amps with lightning, and thunder is the echoes of their eternal awesome.
Also, clouds take on metal fucking shapes. Like dragons. And firebreathing dogs. And clouds going "Why I oughta" while shaking an oversized fist at some fucking pussy cloud that wronged them.
Clouds will fuck your shit UP!
2) Trees: BAM! Another curveball, bitches!
Trees are metal for several reasons. Firstly, they grow their own fucking armor. Secondly, most cultures use wood for training weapons, which you must use to learn to wield swords and battle axes. Thirdly, they have like a thousand arms and fingers, all ready to claw the shit out of you.
3) Babies: Babies. Soft. Sweet. Innocent. AND FUCKING METAL?
Have you ever heard a baby wail? That's it preparing a metal scream. One day, those wails will turn into death cries to the Metal Gods.
Besides, all people are babies at some point. Including metalheads. Which means all metalheads were once babies.
Yeah, babies are effing metal.
4) Moms: They bake us cookies, give us love, and COULD RIP THE HEAD OFF A RAGING BEAR!
We all know of mom rages. There is a cold steel beneath their cushy outer layer. When that steel is bared, nothing can stop them. When that steel is revealed, the can eviscerate her enemies with a glare and command wolf packs.
Yes, all moms are metal. That includes your grandmother, and that senile woman down the street who can't remember her own name sometimes. They secretly rock out to Eluveitie and Behemoth in private.
5) Lady GaGa: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfukZyVi9Hk <---enough said
6) Ducks: Ducks fly. They swim. They DEVOUR SOULS! Ducks are fucking metal. Try and attack one with your bare hands. That's right, you can't. A duck will bite your finger off and then laugh at your pain.
Fucking ducks, being so fucking creepy. Oh, they seem cute and innocent, but their eyes are the eyes of murderous doom-engines, slowly devouring souls to power their infernal hearts, which are kept beating with clockwork and pain.
7) Angels: Well, this is less of a stretch. Frankly, angels feature in an assload of metal imagery. However, I mean cute little cherubs.
Those assholes, looking like Cupid and shit. But did you know that Cherubs were originally God's warriors? That they guard the gates of Eden with flaming swords? That they have four faces: of ox, of lion, of eagle and of man? They have four wings. Their name loosely translates to great or mighty.
That's right. Even cute ass little cherubim are metal. They could destroy you and you better god-well know it.
Freaking angels, ready to kill us all in the end times and shit...just waiting, biding their time...
So yeah, everything everywhere can be found to be freaking metal if you look hard enough. But I wouldn't, or your skeleton may be pulled from your chest and used as a marimba beneath a raging guitar solo.
What is a lesser known fact is that everything is fucking metal in some way or another. Really. It's true.
Here is a brief list of some things that are surprisingly fucking metal. Trust me, you'll come to see my point soon.
1) Clouds: Wait? What? You're starting a list on metal fucking things with clouds?
Hell yes I am! Clouds are veritable REALMS of metal. You know what comes from clouds? Rain. You know what happens during rain storms? Thunder and lightning. You can thank clouds for goddamn thunder and lightning. That shit'll fuck you up. The Metal Gods themselves power their amps with lightning, and thunder is the echoes of their eternal awesome.
Also, clouds take on metal fucking shapes. Like dragons. And firebreathing dogs. And clouds going "Why I oughta" while shaking an oversized fist at some fucking pussy cloud that wronged them.
Clouds will fuck your shit UP!
2) Trees: BAM! Another curveball, bitches!
Trees are metal for several reasons. Firstly, they grow their own fucking armor. Secondly, most cultures use wood for training weapons, which you must use to learn to wield swords and battle axes. Thirdly, they have like a thousand arms and fingers, all ready to claw the shit out of you.
You know what roosts in trees? Birds. Birds like ravens and eagles and shit. Those are some metal-ass birds. They'll lay waste to you!
3) Babies: Babies. Soft. Sweet. Innocent. AND FUCKING METAL?
Have you ever heard a baby wail? That's it preparing a metal scream. One day, those wails will turn into death cries to the Metal Gods.
Besides, all people are babies at some point. Including metalheads. Which means all metalheads were once babies.
Yeah, babies are effing metal.
4) Moms: They bake us cookies, give us love, and COULD RIP THE HEAD OFF A RAGING BEAR!
We all know of mom rages. There is a cold steel beneath their cushy outer layer. When that steel is bared, nothing can stop them. When that steel is revealed, the can eviscerate her enemies with a glare and command wolf packs.
Yes, all moms are metal. That includes your grandmother, and that senile woman down the street who can't remember her own name sometimes. They secretly rock out to Eluveitie and Behemoth in private.
5) Lady GaGa: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfukZyVi9Hk <---enough said
6) Ducks: Ducks fly. They swim. They DEVOUR SOULS! Ducks are fucking metal. Try and attack one with your bare hands. That's right, you can't. A duck will bite your finger off and then laugh at your pain.
Fucking ducks, being so fucking creepy. Oh, they seem cute and innocent, but their eyes are the eyes of murderous doom-engines, slowly devouring souls to power their infernal hearts, which are kept beating with clockwork and pain.
7) Angels: Well, this is less of a stretch. Frankly, angels feature in an assload of metal imagery. However, I mean cute little cherubs.
Those assholes, looking like Cupid and shit. But did you know that Cherubs were originally God's warriors? That they guard the gates of Eden with flaming swords? That they have four faces: of ox, of lion, of eagle and of man? They have four wings. Their name loosely translates to great or mighty.
That's right. Even cute ass little cherubim are metal. They could destroy you and you better god-well know it.
Freaking angels, ready to kill us all in the end times and shit...just waiting, biding their time...
So yeah, everything everywhere can be found to be freaking metal if you look hard enough. But I wouldn't, or your skeleton may be pulled from your chest and used as a marimba beneath a raging guitar solo.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Animals That Would Totally Be Awesome Ninjas
Nature is really an amazing thing. From the plainest single-celled organism to the weirdest deep-sea creature, evolution has given us some amazing things.
Equally as impressive are some of the things humans have created. The wheel. The airplane. Snuggies. We are unbelievably creative creatures, creating unbelievably diverse and creative cultures.
It is undeniable that the most kick-ass of these cultures are the all-powerful ninja. Their stealth, their accuracy, their pure, uncontained deadliness. Nothing about the ninja isn't kick-ass. Even their shoes betray awesomeness unrivaled.
I mean really, how are those not some awesome shoes? How badass is a culture when even their shoes could kill me?
The amazing thing about nature is that a wild amount of creatures would make awesome ninja. In fact, I assume most of them ARE ninja. It is, really, the only explanation for how awesome they are. I will now offer up but a brief sampling of what I mean, but there are, of course, many, many more.
1) The Squirrel: These common creatures seem really pathetic at first. But look at them like this: they climb vertical surfaces commonly (and not just trees, but walls and stuff too), they betray unbelievable speed and balance, they have sharp claws and teeth (built in weapons) and wear earth-tones. Remind you of anything?
I've been saying for years that squirrels could kill everyone if they wanted to. They wouldn't even have to try, really. Besides, who would suspect the squirrels? My idea. Keep an eye on them and never sleep.
The squirrels are coming.
2) The Cat: Much like squirrels, they have immense balance and above-average climbing abilities. They are also great jumpers in the height, distance and accuracy departments. They have hidden weapons (claws) and can move completely silently. They have great night vision and are practiced in killing things.
Cats are truly ninja at heart. It's good for me that they are also smart enough to realize that it is easier for us to feed them than for them to find food. This means we have less to fear from cats than squirrels.
Still, keep an eye open. Not that it will help.
3) The Gecko: Now, geckos are hardly as deadly as the last two examples. But they are still totally ninja. I mean, these things can just sit on the ceiling. Staring. Watching. Always watching. Unblinking.
4) The Chameleon: This one is pretty self-explanatory. A creature that can change its colour to become practically invisible? A creature than can look two directions at once? A creature with a lightning-fast weapon (its tongue)? Puh-lease. This creature is totally designed to be an uber-deadly assassin.
I mean, can you imagine if a person could just disappear, and then shoot you with a weapon so fast you couldn't see? Oh wait. We have those. They are called ninja!
5) The Bear: Bear with me now (bahahahahaha). These ones may not seem very ninja-esque at first. But they have two very, very ninja traits. Numero Uno: Their massive strength. Bears can easily tear a man in half. By looking at them. From a distance. I'm pretty sure bears are telekinetic, right? By God, can you imagine that? If bears gained that ability, they could murder everything ever! Number Two: Their ability to kill anything they look at.
6) The Platypus: Once again, platypus with me (that doesn't work as well). At first platypi seem like ugly, ungainly waddlers. But then you realize something. These sons-of-bitches have motherfucking POISON SPURS! WTF, god? Did you decide that EVERYTHING in Austrailia has to be able to kill everything from everywhere else? You couldn't put a single totally pussy animal on that continent? No insects that don't have stingers that inject you with a neuro-toxin? No birds that can't shoot seeds from their mouths like bullets? Really? Even the platypus needs to have poison.
Uncool, God, uncool.
This is just a brief selection of the creatures evolution has given us that could murder us all with their ninja skills. How many of them are actually ninja? At the very least the cats, but I'm guessing bears too, and maybe chameleons.
Basically, everything everywhere could kill us. That is the take away lesson here.
Beware everything.
Equally as impressive are some of the things humans have created. The wheel. The airplane. Snuggies. We are unbelievably creative creatures, creating unbelievably diverse and creative cultures.
It is undeniable that the most kick-ass of these cultures are the all-powerful ninja. Their stealth, their accuracy, their pure, uncontained deadliness. Nothing about the ninja isn't kick-ass. Even their shoes betray awesomeness unrivaled.
I mean really, how are those not some awesome shoes? How badass is a culture when even their shoes could kill me?
The amazing thing about nature is that a wild amount of creatures would make awesome ninja. In fact, I assume most of them ARE ninja. It is, really, the only explanation for how awesome they are. I will now offer up but a brief sampling of what I mean, but there are, of course, many, many more.
1) The Squirrel: These common creatures seem really pathetic at first. But look at them like this: they climb vertical surfaces commonly (and not just trees, but walls and stuff too), they betray unbelievable speed and balance, they have sharp claws and teeth (built in weapons) and wear earth-tones. Remind you of anything?
I've been saying for years that squirrels could kill everyone if they wanted to. They wouldn't even have to try, really. Besides, who would suspect the squirrels? My idea. Keep an eye on them and never sleep.
The squirrels are coming.
2) The Cat: Much like squirrels, they have immense balance and above-average climbing abilities. They are also great jumpers in the height, distance and accuracy departments. They have hidden weapons (claws) and can move completely silently. They have great night vision and are practiced in killing things.
Cats are truly ninja at heart. It's good for me that they are also smart enough to realize that it is easier for us to feed them than for them to find food. This means we have less to fear from cats than squirrels.
Still, keep an eye open. Not that it will help.
3) The Gecko: Now, geckos are hardly as deadly as the last two examples. But they are still totally ninja. I mean, these things can just sit on the ceiling. Staring. Watching. Always watching. Unblinking.
4) The Chameleon: This one is pretty self-explanatory. A creature that can change its colour to become practically invisible? A creature than can look two directions at once? A creature with a lightning-fast weapon (its tongue)? Puh-lease. This creature is totally designed to be an uber-deadly assassin.
I mean, can you imagine if a person could just disappear, and then shoot you with a weapon so fast you couldn't see? Oh wait. We have those. They are called ninja!
5) The Bear: Bear with me now (bahahahahaha). These ones may not seem very ninja-esque at first. But they have two very, very ninja traits. Numero Uno: Their massive strength. Bears can easily tear a man in half. By looking at them. From a distance. I'm pretty sure bears are telekinetic, right? By God, can you imagine that? If bears gained that ability, they could murder everything ever! Number Two: Their ability to kill anything they look at.
6) The Platypus: Once again, platypus with me (that doesn't work as well). At first platypi seem like ugly, ungainly waddlers. But then you realize something. These sons-of-bitches have motherfucking POISON SPURS! WTF, god? Did you decide that EVERYTHING in Austrailia has to be able to kill everything from everywhere else? You couldn't put a single totally pussy animal on that continent? No insects that don't have stingers that inject you with a neuro-toxin? No birds that can't shoot seeds from their mouths like bullets? Really? Even the platypus needs to have poison.
Uncool, God, uncool.
This is just a brief selection of the creatures evolution has given us that could murder us all with their ninja skills. How many of them are actually ninja? At the very least the cats, but I'm guessing bears too, and maybe chameleons.
Basically, everything everywhere could kill us. That is the take away lesson here.
Beware everything.
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