Equally as impressive are some of the things humans have created. The wheel. The airplane. Snuggies. We are unbelievably creative creatures, creating unbelievably diverse and creative cultures.
It is undeniable that the most kick-ass of these cultures are the all-powerful ninja. Their stealth, their accuracy, their pure, uncontained deadliness. Nothing about the ninja isn't kick-ass. Even their shoes betray awesomeness unrivaled.
I mean really, how are those not some awesome shoes? How badass is a culture when even their shoes could kill me?
The amazing thing about nature is that a wild amount of creatures would make awesome ninja. In fact, I assume most of them ARE ninja. It is, really, the only explanation for how awesome they are. I will now offer up but a brief sampling of what I mean, but there are, of course, many, many more.
1) The Squirrel: These common creatures seem really pathetic at first. But look at them like this: they climb vertical surfaces commonly (and not just trees, but walls and stuff too), they betray unbelievable speed and balance, they have sharp claws and teeth (built in weapons) and wear earth-tones. Remind you of anything?
I've been saying for years that squirrels could kill everyone if they wanted to. They wouldn't even have to try, really. Besides, who would suspect the squirrels? My idea. Keep an eye on them and never sleep.
The squirrels are coming.
2) The Cat: Much like squirrels, they have immense balance and above-average climbing abilities. They are also great jumpers in the height, distance and accuracy departments. They have hidden weapons (claws) and can move completely silently. They have great night vision and are practiced in killing things.
Cats are truly ninja at heart. It's good for me that they are also smart enough to realize that it is easier for us to feed them than for them to find food. This means we have less to fear from cats than squirrels.
Still, keep an eye open. Not that it will help.
3) The Gecko: Now, geckos are hardly as deadly as the last two examples. But they are still totally ninja. I mean, these things can just sit on the ceiling. Staring. Watching. Always watching. Unblinking.
4) The Chameleon: This one is pretty self-explanatory. A creature that can change its colour to become practically invisible? A creature than can look two directions at once? A creature with a lightning-fast weapon (its tongue)? Puh-lease. This creature is totally designed to be an uber-deadly assassin.
I mean, can you imagine if a person could just disappear, and then shoot you with a weapon so fast you couldn't see? Oh wait. We have those. They are called ninja!
5) The Bear: Bear with me now (bahahahahaha). These ones may not seem very ninja-esque at first. But they have two very, very ninja traits. Numero Uno: Their massive strength. Bears can easily tear a man in half. By looking at them. From a distance. I'm pretty sure bears are telekinetic, right? By God, can you imagine that? If bears gained that ability, they could murder everything ever! Number Two: Their ability to kill anything they look at.
6) The Platypus: Once again, platypus with me (that doesn't work as well). At first platypi seem like ugly, ungainly waddlers. But then you realize something. These sons-of-bitches have motherfucking POISON SPURS! WTF, god? Did you decide that EVERYTHING in Austrailia has to be able to kill everything from everywhere else? You couldn't put a single totally pussy animal on that continent? No insects that don't have stingers that inject you with a neuro-toxin? No birds that can't shoot seeds from their mouths like bullets? Really? Even the platypus needs to have poison.
Uncool, God, uncool.
This is just a brief selection of the creatures evolution has given us that could murder us all with their ninja skills. How many of them are actually ninja? At the very least the cats, but I'm guessing bears too, and maybe chameleons.
Basically, everything everywhere could kill us. That is the take away lesson here.
Beware everything.
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