Why Everything Everywhere Is Effing Metal

It is a well known fact that metal music and the culture it inspires are freaking intense things. Metalheads are well known as scary-as-balls people you don't fuck with, or they will fucking eat your face and drink from your skull, all while leaving you alive to writhe in pain.

What is a lesser known fact is that everything is fucking metal in some way or another. Really. It's true.

Here is a brief list of some things that are surprisingly fucking metal. Trust me, you'll come to see my point soon.

1) Clouds: Wait? What? You're starting a list on metal fucking things with clouds?

Hell yes I am! Clouds are veritable REALMS of metal. You know what comes from clouds? Rain. You know what happens during rain storms? Thunder and lightning. You can thank clouds for goddamn thunder and lightning. That shit'll fuck you up. The Metal Gods themselves power their amps with lightning, and thunder is the echoes of their eternal awesome.

Also, clouds take on metal fucking shapes. Like dragons. And firebreathing dogs. And clouds going "Why I oughta" while shaking an oversized fist at some fucking pussy cloud that wronged them.

Clouds will fuck your shit UP!

2) Trees: BAM! Another curveball, bitches!

Trees are metal for several reasons. Firstly, they grow their own fucking armor. Secondly, most cultures use wood for training weapons, which you must use to learn to wield swords and battle axes. Thirdly, they have like a thousand arms and fingers, all ready to claw the shit out of you.

You know what roosts in trees? Birds. Birds like ravens and eagles and shit. Those are some metal-ass birds. They'll lay waste to you!

3) Babies: Babies. Soft. Sweet. Innocent. AND FUCKING METAL?

Have you ever heard a baby wail? That's it preparing a metal scream. One day, those wails will turn into death cries to the Metal Gods.

Besides, all people are babies at some point. Including metalheads. Which means all metalheads were once babies.

Yeah, babies are effing metal.

4) Moms: They bake us cookies, give us love, and COULD RIP THE HEAD OFF A RAGING BEAR!

We all know of mom rages. There is a cold steel beneath their cushy outer layer. When that steel is bared, nothing can stop them. When that steel is revealed, the can eviscerate her enemies with a glare and command wolf packs.

Yes, all moms are metal. That includes your grandmother, and that senile woman down the street who can't remember her own name sometimes. They secretly rock out to Eluveitie and Behemoth in private.

5) Lady GaGa: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfukZyVi9Hk <---enough said

6) Ducks: Ducks fly. They swim. They DEVOUR SOULS! Ducks are fucking metal. Try and attack one with your bare hands. That's right, you can't. A duck will bite your finger off and then laugh at your pain.

Fucking ducks, being so fucking creepy. Oh, they seem cute and innocent, but their eyes are the eyes of murderous doom-engines, slowly devouring souls to power their infernal hearts, which are kept beating with clockwork and pain.

7) Angels: Well, this is less of a stretch. Frankly, angels feature in an assload of metal imagery. However, I mean cute little cherubs.

Those assholes, looking like Cupid and shit. But did you know that Cherubs were originally God's warriors? That they guard the gates of Eden with flaming swords? That they have four faces: of ox, of lion, of eagle and of man? They have four wings. Their name loosely translates to great or mighty.

That's right. Even cute ass little cherubim are metal. They could destroy you and you better god-well know it.

Freaking angels, ready to kill us all in the end times and shit...just waiting, biding their time...

So yeah, everything everywhere can be found to be freaking metal if you look hard enough. But I wouldn't, or your skeleton may be pulled from your chest and used as a marimba beneath a raging guitar solo.