On the Assumptions People Make When They Find Out You Are a Geek

I am a geek. I am a proud geek. I embrace my geekhood, and I love it so. These are facts of my life.

However, I find out that when you meet new people, and they slowly come to realize you are a geek, certain assumptions start arising within their heads, and they come to use these assumptions as a basis for their concept of YOU. (These are called prejudices, but prejudice carries a negative connotation, and these are hardly all negative, so I will use the word assumptions).

First and foremost, I have to cover a mighty fallacy people use. This fallacy is the Ner-Geek Paradigm. What is the difference between a nerd and a geek? Is there one? Which term should be used?

Most people use the two terms interchangeably. They are not, however, interchangeable. I'll put it this way: being a geek is far and away preferable to being a nerd, and calling a geek a nerd can be mightily offensive.

A nerd is an anti-social creature. They wallow in their genius, and use it as an excuse to avoid contact with the outside world. These are the folks who smell of rancid Cheetos and tuck their shirts into their underwear (not always, but this is the image I want you to have). They wear thick-rimmed, high prescription glasses, utilize nasal sprays even when they are not sick and collect archaic computers just for the fun of it. While some of these features DO crossover with some geeks (especially the computer collecting), the difference is that nerds do this with an interior air of superiority that they use to scare people off. Their lack of social skills are both their most-used weapon and their greatest flaw.



The above is a nerd. Nerds ALWAYS have a wide-breadth of knowledge, knowing a little something about everything (except for how to interact with other people).

Now geeks. Geeks have embraced their nerdiness. They understand that they are, indeed, a tad bit nerdy, and so come to flourish, evolve and become geeks. Their embrace of their nerdy side allows them to come to terms with it and also allows them a knowledge of a realm forbidden to nerds: a social life. Geeks have friends, often other geeks, but not necessarily. They shower frequently, eat foods that actually have some nutritional value and spend their weekends going to see movies with buddies rather than torrenting them alone at home. A geek CAN have a wide-breadth of knowledge on many subjects, but can also specialize in one area. For instance, there are history geeks, music geeks and computer geeks. Geeks can also pick and choose from a variety of subjects.



That is Wil Wheaton, a king among geeks. Basically that is also what a common geek looks like. Note the slightly nerdy, albiet clean shirt, the shit-eating grin and the well-groomed hair.

Now, when people learn that you are a geek they start assuming shit. The following is a brief selection, although there are many, many more.

1) You lack a social life and/or play World of Warcraft: as stated above, this is simply untrue. Geeks ALWAYS have some form of social life. And while a geek MAY play WoW, it is usually not to the extreme that World of War-crackheads take it.

2) You can fix any computer program: occasionally true, but totally not necessary to be a geek. Some geeks (notably those who fall into the Computer Geek category [and I bet I'll eventually write a post on the categories of geeks]) can indeed fix your computer in any fashion. Some have a reasonable knowledge of how to fix it or stop it from crashing. Others can't do diddly-shit. There is no set rule for this, just like there is no set rule for the common man.

3) You enjoy Star Trek, have seen every episode/movie and/or speak Klingon: Once again, occasionally but not necessarily. I, personally, don't really watch Star Trek, and the only Klingon word I know is from the Simpsons.

4) You have never had any alcohol to drink ever OR have never smoked OR have never toked: while this can be true (there are abstainers in every clique), I hardly see this as the case. And, really, where in God do people get these ideas. Whenever I drink for the first time with someone who recently came to understand my geekhood, they always express shock. I just don't get it.

5) You enjoy anime and/or manga: This is one that even other geeks make, probably because it is relatively prevalent. However, it is totally untrue. I stopped watching anime at 13, when I discovered "real" television. (I'm preparing for a beating about that one).

There are probably more, but this post isn't as funny as I wanted and I want to take a nap. So I guess I'll have to return to this topic later.

Why Unicorns and Rainbows Totally Aren't Wimpy

Lately, I've been hearing a lot of bad things about unicorns and rainbows. These things are stereotypically girly, and the rainbow has indeed been used for years by the LGBT community (that's the gay community, for those of you out of the know). As these things are "gay" (a logo I would hardly attach to anything in a negative light, since Zeus himself was known to swing the other way on occasion, and I by no means want an angry thunder god on my ass), they have become a symbol of "wimpiness" or, perhaps more accurately, over-femininity in men. I can't see why this is. I deem that we set out to A) take back rainbows and unicorns for the badassery that they are, B) realize that just because something is a gay symbol does not make it weak, wimpy or flamboyant, and C) realize that just because someone is gay doesn't make them weak, wimpy or flamboyant.

As B and C fall firmly within the realm of serious discussion, they hardly have a place in a satire blog, unless, of course, discussed in a satirical way. Since I don't currently have the energy for thinking up a nice satire or sarcastic view on them, I'm gonna stick to A. But hell, that's a bit of a job in and of itself, and should be broken into chewable chunks (because as everyone knows, you can't eat an info-muffin in a single bite [or your data-throat will choke]).

Let's start with rainbows and why they are freaking badass and not at all wimpy. Let's start with their name. Firstly, and probably the bit with the least explanation needed, there is a bow right there. A BOW! The weapon Legolas uses on a frequent basis to murder Urak-hai! The weapon Robin Hood used to single-handedly humiliate the Sheriff of Nottingham in an archery competition and free the slaves (I assume that Abraham Lincoln was Robin Hood, but that is a topic for another day).

That's freaking badass. Have you watched archers? Have you seen the intense focus in their eyes? Have you seen how built they are? Goddammit if bows aren't awesome as anything that ever existed.



Fuck with Legolas. I dare you. Then we'll see how wimpy bows are.

Then there is rain. It is a fact of science that rain is 99% angel tears*. Do you know how powerful angels are? They are, like, the secret forces of the mythological realm. They carry fucking flaming swords and fight dragons and demons and shit. They appear as fire on a frequent basis. Imagine how much it takes to get an angel to cry. That must be some damn intense pain.

Basically, even rainbows' names are awesome. This isn't even getting into their function. Did you know that the bridge to Asgard was a rainbow? And if you walked on any path but the red one, you would die?

Dude, Thor regularly rode his chariot up and down a rainbow. And everyone knows Thor wrote the book on badassery (it's all in Norse runes, so I haven't read it, but I assume it explains a lot about how to throw hammers and lift things and kill trolls). How can anyone reasonably deny the badassery of rainbows.

Now we move on to unicorns. Dude, this one shouldn't need any explanation. Unicorns are horses...with spikes. Dude. Spike-horses. How is that at all wimpy? I mean, you are taking a horse (the animal most of the biggest badasses in history rode [e.g, cowboys, knights, samurai, Native Americans, etc.]) and mixing it with spikes, which we all know makes everything more awesome. Have some shoes that need awesome-afying? Add spikes. Wristbands too un-hardcore? Add spikes. Have a horse that needs more weaponry? Add a spike.

Not to mention all their magical properties. You can laugh all you want, but you know that the minute someone offered you magic powers, you would take it. I mean, crushed unicorn horns could cure diseases, and their blood offers eternal youth. Their skin, when turned into leather, is harder than steel, but lighter and more malleable and their bones are used in the forging of mythic weapons that are lost and buried near the earth's core.

Unicorns are the epitome of awesome. I mean, centaurs come close, but damn, unicorns have it going on. They are fucking badass.

Therefore, the next time I hear single comment about unicorns or rainbows being gay (by which the offender means wimpy), I will break the offender's kneecaps with a unicorn-bone club and then shoot a flaming arrow into him from my bow.

Bitch please.


*not at all based on actual science

Why Lions Make Terrible Roommates

It is a well-known fact that, at one point or another, we all have to have a roommate. Whether for financial reasons, or to fight the crippling loneliness that we can never truly escape from (darkest moment in blogging history? Not anymore. KITTENS!) we all must at one time live in close proximity with another being.

Some things make good roommates. Things like rational human beings, preferably with a steady paycheck and no odd smells. Some things make bad roommates, like frat boys.

But goddammit, I'd live in a frat house as a pledge before I live with a goddamn lion.

Lions make the worst freaking roommates ever. Firstly, they're complete asswipes about paying the bills. They'll say shit like, "I'm a lion, I can't get a job". Well, Mr. Lion, apparently you can fucking talk. I'm sure there are plenty of ways for you to get a freaking job with that skill. If worse comes to worse, sell your body to science (I'm not sure how that works. I don't know where science lives, but I assume, much like weather, it is in the depths of space-time).

Secondly, they're lazy. Sitting on rocks and crap all day. At least lionesses will bring home a gazel every so often (and I can make a rocking gazel stew), but lions are jerk holes. So it can't get a job but can somehow get a 12 tonne boulder up 7 flights of stairs just so it can lie in front of the sun? Bullshit!

Thirdly, lions have big ol' egos. Whoever started calling them the "Kings of the Jungle" has some real problems to make up for. Lions took that shit to heart. They're bossy and uncooperative. All they do is sleep and groom, and they expect you to listen to their bullshit and do what they want. "Can you go grab some Coke Zero? And a zebra haunch while you're at it?" Fuck your zebra haunch, Lion. It's 3 in the morning. The Zebra Haunch Store doesn't open till 8:00. And I'm not your fucking errand boy.

Fourthly, their personal hygiene habits leave a lot to be desired. They never shower, they never get their manes cut, they never pick up after themselves and they shit everywhere. Sure, they grew up on the Savannah, but that is no excuse for not washing your hair every once in a while.

And they steal your shit! I mean, they say they'll return your DVDs, but they won't. And even if they do, they're gouged to shit from their fucking claws. They'll take your rad-ass hoodie that you are totally stoked about wearing on Saturday because that hot Cindy chick from your biology lectures "totally digs stripes", and it'll never come back.

And fuck it if they don't destroy the apartment on a regular fucking basis. It can't be that hard not to dull your claws on the walls. And I know he totally said the clogged sink was from noodles and shit while washing dishes, but I know he's been shoving bones down that shit.

Goddammit if I don't hate freaking lions for all their bullcrap. I mean, the only worse roommates are bears, sharks and the Great Old Ones (don't get me started on that one, I mean, who the fuck makes plants glow? That shit is just annoying.)

Also, they eat your friends.

Punching! And Breaking Stuff! And Other Manliness!

So, I'm feeling particularly manly today, and so decided to make a manly post. Mostly about breaking stuff, although, knowing how my brain works, I'm totally going to go on a tangential adventure to the peaks of human consciousness.

That sounds like a mighty quest. Mayhaps that is a post for another day.

Anyways, onto the manliness.

So, my job for the next two months consists of the following components:

1) Breaking a cement porch into massive chunks piece,

2) Lifting said chunks,

3) Throwing said chunks into a pile,

4) Digging a trench,

5) Filling said trench with pea stone,

6) Compacting said pea stone,

7) Laying brick,

8) And building a deck.

Basically, it's two months of uber-manliness. I am the most manly man to ever be a man. I'm going to have massive muscles by the end of the next two months, and they will be greased at all times, simply so I can gaze upon my own rugged, manly stubble whenever I want (due to the reflection). Basically, the only way I could be more manly is if I punched a guy in the face after every scoop of my shovel.

Note to Self: Punch a guy in the face at least once a day.

Sidenote to Self: Hire someone to be punched in the face at least once a day.

It's actually no secret that I've never actually punched someone in the face (wailing at people during sparring matches notwithstanding). It's definitely something I want to do in earnest. Not because I'm particularly violent, but it just seems like something that needs to be done at least once in a man's life.

I figure that breaking stuff and digging holes are probably the most manly things ever. And they are my job. Therefore, my job is being manly.

And that is awesome.

On Browsers, YouTube and Frustration

Apparently weather reads my blog, because she sure learned her lesson. I wake up this morning and it is sunny and (presumably) warm, because all the snow from yesterday's freak blizzard is gone. This means two things. Firstly, I actually have to work today (actually cooler than it sounds, because my job is breaking shit with a sledge hammer). Secondly, it means I have to postpone my plans for interdimensional warfare against the embodiments of nature. Don't worry, keep designing your skeletal space ships of monstrous horror. We'll find a use for them eventually. But for now, I have a target a little closer to home.

As everyone (and by everyone, I mean very few people) knows, I run a daily vlog in which I film my daily comings and goings. With this being the case, I like looking at the Tube of You to 1) check my viewership, 2) watch inspiring videos, 3) get a giggle out of life. However, YouTube is being, shall we say, a huge asshole lately.

The problem is that it won't even load the front page. It consistently crashes any browser I use, from Safari to Firefox to Chrome to Opera. And if you say use Internet Explorer, you deserve the mauling that bear is going to give you later. (I assume this is the case, since anyone who uses IE clearly lives in a forest somewhere, and probably wears a suit made out of meat [love you :)]).

This is a huge problem for me that I have yet to figure out. I know that all Browsers have problems. Chrome, while fast, has a tendency to crash for no reason. Firefox, with all it's add-ons, becomes slow and ungainly. Safari is dull and unexciting. And Opera is...well, Opera is the kid in primary school who eats glue and calls himself Horatio even though his name is Josh. He's special, everyone loves him and he definitely makes class more fun, but no one wants to chill with him at recess.

Sidenote, that kid is now an advanced pre-med student, he gets beautiful women on a frequent basis and drives a Jaguar as his "shitty car". And it turns out his middle name is Horatio, which he now goes by. If that becomes the case with Opera, my mind will be blown all over the wall.

Anyways, you can see how this would be a problem. A person who makes a YouTube video every day may just want to be able to go onto YouTube. It's frustrating, annoying, and I can't think of a way to blame Vampires, Werewolves, Zombies or Gargoyles, so I'm stumped.

I'm sure that there is a work-around or a fix (the Internet is widely accepted as a home of nerds, so there has to be), but I can't flipping find one. I'm a 9th Degree Black Belt in Search Fu (my Torrent Kick will shatter sternums) but I can't find this one fix.

At this point the only explanation is Black Magic. I've been cursed by a witch, warlock, sorcerer, vodoun priest or some such thing. It may not seem the most logical explanation, but it is easier to admit than, let's say, having too many programs junking up my hard drive or something.

As everyone knows, the only cure for a curse is hard work, elbow grease and a bumblebee's tears. With this as food for thought, I'm going to go smash some concrete and dig a foot-deep trench through my backyard.

Ads and What-not

So, apparently I managed to get accepted for AdSense. I did it mildly with no specific interest in actually becoming a member of some payroll. But, hey, now my blog has ads and I'm getting paid.

Look over to the right, you'll see an ad. Look down, you'll see an ad. So yeah, there are some ads. But I'm gonna try and control these ads and make sure they aren't messed up. Knowing my posts, though, they will definitely be weird.

So, yeah. Awesome. Thanks!

On Weather

It is a well-known fact that weather is a bit of a bitch. Sometimes, you and weather can be completely cool, chillaxin' with a nice sun out. Sometimes she can be freaking awesome, with lightning and thunder and VOLCANOS (yeah, volcanos aren't technically weather, but look at any picture of an erupting volcano with lightning springing through the ashes and you'll catch my drift).

But most of the time, weather and you have an at-best curt, at-worst hostile, relationship.

Today is a good example. It is the last week of April. That is, it is almost May. May is the beginning of summer-like weather, this is a well-known fact.

THEN WHY IN ASS IS IT SNOWING OUT?

Fuck you, weather, I had just gotten used to there not being any snow. MY JOB IS OUTSIDE! I hate, you weather. You and your fucking crystallized rain and coldness.

With this in mind, I think we (by which I mean everyone on the internet as a whole, with a special focus on the blogosphere) should get our revenge on weather.

"But Christian," you exclaim, "weather can't be revenged upon. It is a force of nature."

You narrow-minded fools (love you :)) it is a well known fact that every force of nature has an embodiment, an avatar, if you will. These long-lived (albiet mortal) beings live in the depths of space and time accessible only by those of great power.

I believe my hatred for weather will be sufficient to drive me to the edge of time and space itself. That is how much I hate weather. By harnessing my hatred, we can build a grand ship, an infinite engine, capable of transporting our weather-hating army to the doorstep of that vile wench.

Together, with weapons fueled by malice and cunning, we will shatter her golden door and enter her sun-filled bowery. Her guardians, Misters Rain and Shine, will fall to our power and will inevitably beg for a mercy we shall not grant. They will fall to our weapons of death, and their souls shall be ripped out to fuel our hate-engines.

We shall stand before weather and she will beg for us to spare her. We shall take her and keep her chained forever in the deepest pit of our ship, her Infinite Bonds unbreaking. Then we will sit upon her throne and we, the internet, will reign supreme over weather. Climates will bend to our will.

But that will not be enough. Weather has wronged the world for too long and too greatly.

while one of us rules the throne of weather in it's golden hall, the rest of us shall build more ships. We shall make armies of clouds and pain, who will wield lightning in one hand and ice shards in the other. And we shall bear down, through all of space and time, to destroy all the other avatars and take our rightful place as masters of the universe.

Earth.

Fire.

Water.

Air.

We shall rule these elements, and others besides.

Death.

Life.

Love.

Fear.

These will bend to our will.

And when the universe is ours, we shall rest upon our thrones and plot. Two frontiers have yet to fall to us, we shall realize. We control nature, the world of the living. But heaven and hell are not yet ours. And we shall build a great drill, powered by the anguish of those avatars we have dethroned. And it shall turn with a sound of wailing infants and weeping mothers. And it shall bore a hole in the universe, straight to the pits of hell. And we shall march with our armies into the maw of pain and shall cast down the demons. And we shall seat ourselves upon the thrones of the Seven Lords of the Pit. With nature and hell at our beck and call, we shall turn our gaze upwards. Heaven will glare at us in fury, and we shall begin a new battle.

For twelve eons we shall battle, and our new forms will become host to new powers. I shall turn by hundred-fold gaze upon man and gauge their worth. We will determine them unworthy, and the twisting of nature shall begin. Man shall be wrought in a new image, an image of terror and domination, and will swarm upwards to the gates of heaven, where the heavenly host shall stand guard. For one thousand years we will fight before the Gates, and then we shall enter heaven and God will stare upon us with pity, and all of everything will be erased in an instant, for our hubris had led to the Apocalypse, and all of nature will suffer in torment for our false grandeur.

All because it snowed in fucking April. So, weather, bring your worst. Because in so doing you are calling down Ragnarok, and we shall rise.

Stages of Fan Acceptance

Generally, when I read of an upcoming film based on a fandom which I love dearly, I go through a series of steps, similar, perhaps, to a trauma victim coming to terms with his or her grief, but not like that at all, for the steps are completely different. It has much more in common with someone coming to terms with the end of their childhood and movement into the adult world.

Actually, that is a very fitting analogy, and I am going to run with it, if you don't mind.

I don't think you will.

The steps are as follows:

1) Excitement: "By Thor's Mighty Beard! They're making a Jonah Hex movie? THAT'S FUCKING AWESOME!"

Yes, the first stage is excitement. Who can deny the thrill of hearing that their childhood heros will grace the big screen and be forever immortalized on celluloid (although nowadays its usually digital: forever immortalized in bits doesn't have the same ring, does it?). Compare this to the day you discover you are becoming an adult.

For me, that day was like this: Dude! I'm almost grown-up! Woohoo! No more parents telling me what to do! Fuck you, Brockville! I'ma gonna up and leave this bitch! MWAHAHAHHA! Let's burn this crapshack to the ground!

I may be a little more violent and/or crass than most people, but you get the point. I was excited as balls. And that is how I feel upon hearing of any of my plethora of fandoms will be made into a movie/TV show/high-budget web-series.

2) Hesitancy: "Let's check out the cast list! Wait, they've casted Megan Fox. Hmm, I guess it might still be good."

Oh yes, the inevitable downfall from the peaks of excitement. No matter how long you ride the train of wonderful bliss that is ignorance, eventually curiosity will get the better of you and you will investigate further.

This is reminiscent to that moment of realization that, with becoming an adult, there comes *gulp* responsibility. You still bear some excitement, but, inside, an insidious seed of doubt has been planted. You realize you will have to live by yourself, cook for yourself and buy your own food. Fear has entered.

3) Second-wave Excitement: "Screw it, she's hot, if a little bitchy. This is gonna fucking rock!"

But you don't succumb to fear. No. You punch fear in the face and get excited all over again. The coolest thing ever is being made into a movie! There is no way in hell they could screw it up!

Similarly, you don't let responsibility get you down! You can buy your own alcohol! You can get that pet ferret you've always wanted! Fuck it, being an adult is gonna fucking rock!

4) Dread: "Wait, Megan Fox was the chick from Transformers...she single-handedly murdered my childhood! Oh fuckfuckfuck! How could they have done this? Jonah Hex had such potential. I might as well die."

Ah fear. Fear can get punched in the face. He can get spat upon and shot. He can be beaten with baseball bats. Yet always, always he returns, and he brings his big brother, Terror, to beat the absolute crap out of you.

You have slinked and slunked back down, and have hit rock bottom. Who have you been kidding? They always fuck up these things. This is going to suck. You might as well kill yourself and prevent the horror.

Likewise, there is a moment when, despite all your plans, you shall come to realize that adulthood will suck. You can't afford that ferret, that Porsce OR the sex swing you always wanted. Hell, you can't afford food! And what little money you have left is going into taxes and trying to pick up women who you have little-to-no chances hooking up with.

Adulthood sucks! Why didn't I die at ten, when I could still watch Ninja Turtles in my pajamas at noon and no one cared?

4) Calm Realization: "Fuck it, she wears a corset. And at least the poster looks cool. This might be a decent movie."

No, excitement hasn't returned. But you have come to realize that things aren't so terrible. Even if the movie blows, hey, at least it was made and they'll know what to do better next time.

This is the moment when you realize, yeah, adulthood sucks, but it also rocks. You have mature, intelligent friends who can turn into freaking crazies when drunk! Who hasn't wanted that? And that girl, Suzy, she's pretty cute, and she's been flirting with you for weeks.

Hell, adulthood may just be passable.

5) Acceptance: "I can't stop this movie from being made. Short of the studio suddenly exploding, this movie is going to hit theaters. Time to nut up or shut up. I'm gonna go see it regardless of how shitty it is."

And here comes the moment that your geekhood wins over your reluctance. You love this series, you've always wanted to see a movie made. You know that you're going to see it one way or another. You are going to be a man and accept it.

Just like in growing up, you can't stop the progression of film. You have no choice. You are going to become an adult some time, might as well accept the fact and move on.

So, I guess it is time to draw some conclusions. I figure that no matter how much nerds bitch, you may as well accept the fact that life moves on. For every boycott that comes up, 98% of their members aren't going to follow through. Nerds and geeks are nerds and geeks. We stick to our fandoms, regardless of how much they suck.