Why Unicorns and Rainbows Totally Aren't Wimpy

Lately, I've been hearing a lot of bad things about unicorns and rainbows. These things are stereotypically girly, and the rainbow has indeed been used for years by the LGBT community (that's the gay community, for those of you out of the know). As these things are "gay" (a logo I would hardly attach to anything in a negative light, since Zeus himself was known to swing the other way on occasion, and I by no means want an angry thunder god on my ass), they have become a symbol of "wimpiness" or, perhaps more accurately, over-femininity in men. I can't see why this is. I deem that we set out to A) take back rainbows and unicorns for the badassery that they are, B) realize that just because something is a gay symbol does not make it weak, wimpy or flamboyant, and C) realize that just because someone is gay doesn't make them weak, wimpy or flamboyant.

As B and C fall firmly within the realm of serious discussion, they hardly have a place in a satire blog, unless, of course, discussed in a satirical way. Since I don't currently have the energy for thinking up a nice satire or sarcastic view on them, I'm gonna stick to A. But hell, that's a bit of a job in and of itself, and should be broken into chewable chunks (because as everyone knows, you can't eat an info-muffin in a single bite [or your data-throat will choke]).

Let's start with rainbows and why they are freaking badass and not at all wimpy. Let's start with their name. Firstly, and probably the bit with the least explanation needed, there is a bow right there. A BOW! The weapon Legolas uses on a frequent basis to murder Urak-hai! The weapon Robin Hood used to single-handedly humiliate the Sheriff of Nottingham in an archery competition and free the slaves (I assume that Abraham Lincoln was Robin Hood, but that is a topic for another day).

That's freaking badass. Have you watched archers? Have you seen the intense focus in their eyes? Have you seen how built they are? Goddammit if bows aren't awesome as anything that ever existed.



Fuck with Legolas. I dare you. Then we'll see how wimpy bows are.

Then there is rain. It is a fact of science that rain is 99% angel tears*. Do you know how powerful angels are? They are, like, the secret forces of the mythological realm. They carry fucking flaming swords and fight dragons and demons and shit. They appear as fire on a frequent basis. Imagine how much it takes to get an angel to cry. That must be some damn intense pain.

Basically, even rainbows' names are awesome. This isn't even getting into their function. Did you know that the bridge to Asgard was a rainbow? And if you walked on any path but the red one, you would die?

Dude, Thor regularly rode his chariot up and down a rainbow. And everyone knows Thor wrote the book on badassery (it's all in Norse runes, so I haven't read it, but I assume it explains a lot about how to throw hammers and lift things and kill trolls). How can anyone reasonably deny the badassery of rainbows.

Now we move on to unicorns. Dude, this one shouldn't need any explanation. Unicorns are horses...with spikes. Dude. Spike-horses. How is that at all wimpy? I mean, you are taking a horse (the animal most of the biggest badasses in history rode [e.g, cowboys, knights, samurai, Native Americans, etc.]) and mixing it with spikes, which we all know makes everything more awesome. Have some shoes that need awesome-afying? Add spikes. Wristbands too un-hardcore? Add spikes. Have a horse that needs more weaponry? Add a spike.

Not to mention all their magical properties. You can laugh all you want, but you know that the minute someone offered you magic powers, you would take it. I mean, crushed unicorn horns could cure diseases, and their blood offers eternal youth. Their skin, when turned into leather, is harder than steel, but lighter and more malleable and their bones are used in the forging of mythic weapons that are lost and buried near the earth's core.

Unicorns are the epitome of awesome. I mean, centaurs come close, but damn, unicorns have it going on. They are fucking badass.

Therefore, the next time I hear single comment about unicorns or rainbows being gay (by which the offender means wimpy), I will break the offender's kneecaps with a unicorn-bone club and then shoot a flaming arrow into him from my bow.

Bitch please.


*not at all based on actual science