Let's face it, we all wish we lived in other time periods. Whether we dream of being a WWII fighter pilot, a Crusades-era knight, a robot from the future or even a caveman scribbling stick figures on the wall, we all feel like we belonged in some other time.
Well, this is natural, you stinkers. Everyone idealizes the shit that they wish for. The only difference between you and me is that I have this blog post to explain why I totally freaking belong in other time periods and why these time periods are so freaking awesome and shit. I'll try not to go off on a tangent about gargoyles or unicorns, but I ain't promising you nuffin'.
1) The Wild West
Ah, what young whippersnapper doesn't dream at some point of being a cowboy? The freedom, the guns, the lack of personal hygiene. Everything a young boy could possibly want.
I love westerns, and recently my love has been rekindled for the umpteenth time due to my wish to play a game called Red Dead Redemption, a pseudo-Grand Theft Auto, sandbox western game. I totally think that I would make an awesome bounty hunter. I mean, I don't think killing people is right or anything, but shooting a criminal in the kneecap with a six-shooter? How much more badass can you get? (The answer is none.)
I mean, I have all the prerequisites: an abiding moral code yet a disdain for authority, a love of handguns, a general useage of denim pants, an abiding wish for cowboy boots and duster jackets and a love for all the various cowboy hat styles. I love horses, and would look totally badass with a few facial scars. And I do a mean Clint Eastwood impression.
Downsides: coffee = expensive, lack of practice riding and general unease with the level of craftsmanship of their guns. I dunno why it is, but muskets make me uneasy.
2) Feudal Japan
Now, I understand you have to be born into the Samurai class (damn rules), but I could still totally be a ninja in this point in history. How awesome would that be? Stealthily freeing the commoners from their oppressors, wearing black all the time and throw...ing...sharp......objects....
This all sounds very familiar.
Oh yeah, BATMAN is a ninja! I don't want to live in feudal Japan, I just want to be the goddamn Batman. Doy.
3) The Renaissance
Okay, hear me out. I know that, while there were some cool wars in this point, the renaissance generally isn't known for it's badassery. But listen to the four following words.
Leonardo.
Motherfucking.
Da.
Vinci.
I totally just want to meet this badass. This dude invented helicopters 300 years before anyone else got the idea! He doodled designs for WMDs next to designs for rudimentary lawnmowers! This guy is an actual fucking MacGyver, Q and Batman all rolled into one.
I totally think he was a secret agent. No doubt in my mind. He probably had a grappling gun and a beard that fired lasers, like Chuck Norris blended together with Rorshach. He kicked ass and took names, and then fucked everyone he could see. Men. Women. Didn't matter.
Da Vinci was a sex machine.
4) Hitler's Childhood
Let's face it, who wouldn't want to smack Hitler before he had the SS to protect him?
5) The Future
Okay, so this is a little wishy-washy. Technically I'll be in the future right about Now. and Now. and Now.
But I don't mean the future, I mean the Future, with that capital "F". I want to live in a time of laser swords and hovercars and robots.
I don't even car if that Future is apocalyptic, post-apocalyptic or utopian. I just wanna be there. I mean, how much is it to ask for 1 laser battle, ONE!
Honestly, the list goes on. I'd like to be a member of the French Resistance, to have been there during the moon landing and to be an original Assassin.
Luckily, my time machine will soon be complete, but that is a story for a different day.
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